“Only in the fellowship do we learn to be rightly alone and only in aloneness do we learn to live rightly in the fellowship… Each by itself has profound pitfalls and perils. One who wants fellowship without solitude plunges into the void of words and feelings, and one who seeks solitude without fellowship perishes in the abyss of vanity, self-infatuation, and despair.” pg 78
Reading this sparked memories of learning how to face myself in solitude with a healthy approach (as opposed to hiding in isolation). Some of my experiences during my first year as a chaplain caused some serious burn-out, which led me to step down from my position after almost a full academic year of unusual intensity. Because I stepped down, I had to move onto another floor–away from the community that I (thought) I worked so hard to create. Initially, I was devastated. I despised my solitude. I feared it, even.
Over time, and with invaluable accountability, I learned to treasure this solitude. It was in this solitude that I discovered so much of myself and how I relate to others, and more importantly… how I relate to God (and the other way around). It was here that I discovered so many false perceptions that I harbored in regards to my role in others’ lives. I shouldered all kinds of ungodly burdens. (I could devote a whole post just to discussing these false perceptions, but I won’t for now. You’re welcome to ask me about this process if you’re curious.) Only when I was forced to face myself before God was I able to begin recognizing my place in the community in which I was called.
Recently, I have been learning the other side of this: living rightly in fellowship. I find this impulse in myself that wants to buck the norm–but not because I so desperately want to be unique from everyone else. I really don’t mind being just like everyone else in some regards. My hesitation with being part of “the norm” of community is that I would get sucked into wrong thinking about God and how to live a life that truly honors Him. I see so many dangers related to conformity and I really want no part of it. Admittedly, I would sometimes much rather live in my solitude with the Lord, love people from a “safe” distance, and then return to my solitude once again where I might remain free from entanglement with erroneous thinking.
But that would be ridiculous. I would very quickly lose my grasp on self because so much of self is awakened and revealed by interaction with others. Furthermore, so much of God is revealed in others! What a tragedy it would be to miss out on that!
anothervapor 